[IC] Empatheias Inbox

[angelofnaboo]

Recipient: Padmé Naberrie Amidala
Alignment: Daimonia
Homeworld: Naboo

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crystal • letter • in-person

Please note in the header if it is Voice/Image/Letter/Action and what date this contact was initiated.

Comments

[mislighted]

[Padmé really should take care of her own emotional state more often, even though Anakin is obviously the one who's worse at it.]

I don't know how much attention you'll be able to pay to the food when you hear about it.

[Under ordinary circumstances, that would have come off as a joke. Right now, he's being completely serious. Once they get started, food will be the last thing on their minds, if they can even bother stomaching it at all.

This reminds him of a similar conversation they had not so many weeks ago, and he thinks better of his vagueness. He doesn't want her to assume he's hurt someone yet again, but he doesn't want to broadcast this, just in case someone could overhear it. He doesn't completely understand this new power yet, so he'll be cautious.]

It's not going to get any worse if we wait, however. I'll meet you there.

[With that, he hurries home, but with the distance, it takes him a few more minutes to get there than she needs.]

[angelofnaboo]

[Considering track records at the moment, Padmé is handling things a lot better right now than he is. She's not in denial, but she's definitely tense and it's starting to show around the edges of her personality.]

On a scale one to ten, how bad is this? Fifteen?

[Because she really cannot handle many more fifteens. Just... one month without a fifteen, please.

Regardless, she speeds up both her shopping and walking, not wasting time to reach him. She's a little surprised that she beats him to the apartment and she leaves the bag of groceries on the counter, folding her hands in front of her as she paces and waits.

When he enters, her eyes are on him immediately, checking for any damages or changes to his person, both physical or mental. Nothing appears to be wrong, but she can tell. She abandons her pacing and wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him down for a tight hug that helps her shed some of her own anxiety.]

Tell me what's wrong.

[mislighted]

No one is dead or injured, Padmé. I swear.

[Except maybe Anakin, on the inside, but he's not going to broadcast that where people might pick up on it. But emotionally, this feels like a twenty, so he'll refrain from picking numbers and causing her undue panic.]

It's... It's something between the two of us. Someone from our galaxy is with the newcomers. I'll tell you the details when I get there.

[This is definitely something he wants to discuss face-to-face anyway, so he moves at top speed, sound just a bit out of breath as he speaks over the crystal. Before he can say anything else, he's at the front door, and he's forced to slow down as he steps inside. Running was a nice distraction, but as soon as he sees Padmé, the flood of feelings come rushing back. The hug is the one thing that helps him rein himself in, and he holds her as tight as he can without hurting her to get there. If she's watching, she might notice the nearest of his emotion flowers growing small new buds, only for them to wither before they blossom.

There's no holding it all back now. Without any preamble, he just blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.]

I saw Leia. Our Leia. She's in Verens.

[He doesn't know if she's run across their daughter yet or not, but if she hasn't, that seems enough of a bomb to start this off with. He doesn't want to overdo it right away, even if it's a struggle not to ramble and rant about the whole thing at once.]

[angelofnaboo]

Prefacing this conversation with that doesn't exactly help things, Anakin.

[She can't help the biting tone to her words. So many things have happened in a short time and any time he is so anxious over something, it's always spelled trouble of the worst kind.

But the moment she's in his arms, it's like all of that melts and she holds onto him like she needs him to live. Her face is buried in his shoulder, slowly breathing to calm herself and to keep the panic down.

No matter what it is, they'll handle it together. They promised each other.

His words stop her thoughts cold and she pulls back, dark eyes hooded with trepidation and excitement.]

You've seen her? [Her breathing hitches and she manages to give him a half-hearted smile, one that lets him know she already knew.] She's beautiful, isn't she?

[mislighted]

I didn't want anyone to overhear us before I could talk to you in person.

[He really doesn't want to speak to anyone but Padmé about it, but he knows he'll have to bring a few others in on his feelings eventually. He's been taught to deny his emotions for so long, it's still not easy to open up about the truly painful things without blowing up to anyone but her.

Being held helps more than he can say, and he leans into her, drawing her close against him and barely able to keep himself from rocking back and forth to try and soothe them both.

When she pulls back, he fears the worst, but her smile just reflects his own heart. She already knew. He tries to smile back, and though it shakes and won't stay in place, it's as full of love as any of the one he wore while making grand declarations for her.]

One of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. She gets it from her mother.

['And she gets her temper from me' is what nearly follows, but her reaction is still so fresh that making bad jokes at his own expense seems crass. He's no Obi-Wan, and he takes this too personally to brush it off.]

[angelofnaboo]

[She watches his face, reading it for signs that she's almost afraid to see. What's there is fear, pain, love, and anxiety.

Without commenting on his compliment, she pulls his face down for a kiss, trying to find balance for them both. He's a tactile person and draws it out of her when they're alone. Besides, honestly, she's as ready to fly apart as he is. He'll probably be angry or hurt later when he realizes she's known for days that Leia was here, but she's not sure what to do at this point.]

Let's sit down and you can tell me about how your meeting with her went. I will tell you about my own later.

[mislighted]

[He'll think about the fact that she's met Leia as well when she's ready to say it. For now, the kiss grounds him further, and it allows him to forget what's on his mind for the moments it takes him to kiss her back and run his flesh hand over her cheek and into her hair.

He moves at her command when they separate, practically carrying her to the couch as he goes. When he finally settles down, keeping her as close as she allows, he suddenly has trouble finding the words. He has so many things he needs to describe, so many emotions to try and work through, that he doesn't know where to begin. It takes him a minute or two of biting his lip and looking at the pattern on their rug to finally decide.]

She said I should be dead. I don't know how she meant it, but...

[He shakes his head, dragging his eyes back up to look at his wife properly. He doesn't know how to explain the tone in their daughter's voice at that moment, but he hopes his attempts get the point across.]

She wasn't pleased to find out that it was me she was speaking to.

[angelofnaboo]

[She lets him direct her to the couch, practically able to still feel how anxious and upset he is without words. His hand in hers feels like her own lifeline. She waits patiently for him to speak as she concentrates on keeping herself from shaking apart finally.

Padmé's mouth opens, but words don't come out for a minute. The reasonable part of her mind understands what her daughter feels and why her words are so negative. But she is a person and she feels their loss of Leia as they get her deeply.

When she speaks, it's quiet and pained.]

She sees Bail and Breha as her parents. They raised her shortly after her birth. It's understandable.

[The room grows dim and tears form in her eyes, though she fights to keep them back.]

We are strangers, at best, to her.

[mislighted]

[The heat of his own emotions is rising, but he ignores it in favor of Padmé. He's a wreck, truthfully, but she needs him as much as he needs her right now.]

No.

[He turns to place his lips on her forehead, just for a moment, trying to help her focus on him instead of the thought that is clearly bringing her pain. He knows how she feels better than anyone else could, but he still wants to do something to ease her pain. All he's ever wanted if for her to be happy, and he can do so little to help her in moments like these.]

Just because she didn't know us as a child does not mean that we have to accept that she never will, or that she doesn't care. She does. That much I know.

[It might not be a pleasant opinion, but he knows that Leia has one on her birth parents. He hopes that her feelings for Padmé is kinder, but it's still not nothing at all.]

[angelofnaboo]

[At the feel of his lips against her skin, the tears she's been fighting fall. Padmé raises a hand to cover her mouth as the dam she's built cracks. Her words come out in tight sobs as the air continues to grow darker around them both.]

She has no idea who I am, Anakin. None. Luke.... he knew. But to my daughter, I'm a stranger.

Perhaps that will change. I want it to change. It doesn't make it hurt less.

[She lifts her head, eyes red and watery.]

I...I never once thought this could be our fate.

[mislighted]

[He really has no idea how to comfort her, besides holding her close and making sure she knows he's there. For all their ups and downs, he's usually the one needing comfort, so it's an unpleasant fact that he's rarely had to before. The crying is awful to hear, but he can't deny the truth in her words.]

I didn't, either. Some parts of me still don't believe it.

[It's so hard to look her in the eye when she says that, but Anakin manages it for a moment, before the threat of his own tears make them shut for a moment and he buries his face in their joined hands.

This is his fault, and there's no denying that. Even if he'd rather pretend with all of his heart that he'll never become Darth Vader, for everyone else, it's already happened. Those consequences can't be wiped away so easily.]

I'm so sorry, Padmé. I'll never stop being sorry. I can never make up for what I've to all of us, but I swear to you, I will never stop trying to!

[angelofnaboo]

[What she wants, needs, is just for him to hold her like he is. To let her cry and be upset and to know that he loves her.

Which is exactly what he's doing.

She can't stop her tears now that they've started, but that doesn't mean she can't comfort him as well. Talking like this, not avoiding something so painful because it hurts, is what they've needed. Even with their promise to be more truthful with one another, there have been things kept on both sides for whatever reason.]

Ani, you haven't done these things. Not yet. And holding them against you seems cruel. Far worse than what has happened.

But I'd be lying if I said that hearing you say that doesn't sound good. I've said this before, but I know you are a good man. [She triesto smile, but it's more like a grimace.] We'll just have to make everyone see that.

[mislighted]

[It feels like he's doing nothing from his side, but if that's what she wants, he'll stay where he is. He leans back against the couch, leaning her weight against him so they'll both be comfortable if they don't move for a while.]

They've still happened to everyone else. How can I expect them not to blame me, when it's real for them? I'd blame me, if I were in their place.

[He does blame himself, even as he denies it both to himself and to others. Taking full responsibility for it is a burden he doesn't want to bear, when he hasn't actually done it yet, but that doesn't mean he's unaware of the weight of it. Padmé is one of the few who he'll let see even this much of that guilt, without being startled or cornered into it.]

You should blame me more than you do, more than anyone else. But you don't... You're amazing, Padmé.

[That attempt to smile hurts him, because she tries so hard for him, when he's so undeserving. He leans his against hers again, just trying to stay centered.]

[angelofnaboo]

[After years of snatching moments together, being left alone to cry to sleep when she was unable to distract herself from her loneliness, his very presence is what she needs. She draws strength from his arm around her back, the sound of his heart as it beats in his chest, the heat of his body near hers.

Eventually, her tears stop and she lets out a soft, pained sigh.]

A part of me feels like I should blame you, but we all made our own choices. I chose to marry you. Obi-Wan chose to sneak aboard my ship to Mustafar. Bail, and Leia, chose to join the Rebellion against the Emperor. Luke chose to join them as well. Kylo Ren has chosen his path as well.

And while I don't know exactly what happens with Leia, Han and...Vader, you haven't made that choice yet. You haven't made any choices that we can condemn you for.

[mislighted]

["A part of me feels like I should blame you." Though he listens to the rest, the fact that a part of her does resent him hurts, no matter how deserved it is. His grip tightens for a moment, and he hides his face from her by tilting his head into her hair.

The name "Vader" makes him flinch, though, so trying to hide his reaction is useless. After the Clone Wars, so few things manage to get that from him, but this still does.]

I've made my own mistakes, Padmé... But everyone else acts like the one I haven't are inevitable. I don't know how to prove to them I won't. You, Obi-Wan and Luke are the only ones who seem to really believe that.

[angelofnaboo]

[One of his flaws is that he's so ready to believe that everyone is against him. And unlike those from the future, she and Obi-Wan have seen Darth Vader with Anakin's face. It's harder for her to hate him, true, and she's not blind to his flaws, but she's also still trying to make peace with the monster on Mustafar on a nightly basis.

And though she knows that Anakin chooses that path, she can't blame him. She knows too much about why and how he Fell. She just wishes he'd have talked to her on any of the occasions she begged him to open up to her.

Which is why his effort here is so much sweeter than anyone else can understand.]

I didn't say you were perfect, Anakin. No one is. We're all flawed. And, to be fair, Obi-Wan and I know who you are, what you've done and what you can do if given the chance. Luke...Luke still has little boy fantasies about his father. I don't think Owen was able to stamp them out of him the way he wanted.

As for the others, it will take time. Everything takes time. Hopefully we have that here.

[She tilts her head up so she can look at him completely.]

Even if we don't, I want you to know that I love you more than life itself and will do anything I can to help you.

[mislighted]

[He gave her his word that he would never make the same mistakes everyone else knew him for. He's stumbled badly along the way, but for the past few months, he's truly done what he could think of to make sure he kept that promise.

The only real issue is how difficult it is, having none of the respect and trust he's used to. Anakin is a man that thrives on the attention of others, even if that's something that everyone has tried to train out of him. Her words keep him on the right path; he's too afraid to lose her to deviate.]

I know. I know you're right, but I still wish it were easier than this. Everyone is so quick to judge...

[He lifts his head, running his free hand over her cheek again.]

I don't want it to be us against everyone else again. I don't want you to miss your chance with Leia because of me.

[He looks away from her face as he says this, because while it's true and he means it with all his heart, he still wants that chance for himself. His jealousy of her opportunity is pathetic, and he knows it.]

[angelofnaboo]

[She knows that none of this has been easy for him, not with so many others having information about his future and not considering his present. She's ached for him as well as worried that the stress might take it's toll on everything that she hopes to have while she still can.

It's selfish on her part, but she wants so much that of the things that are being dangled in front of her face—her husband, her children, a job, no war, a chance to be happy—and if she has to do that on another planet, in a different reality, she hopes to grab it with both hands and hold onto it for dear life.]

Anakin, nothing we've ever done has been easy. Nothing. I don't think either of us could handle it if it were.

[She leans into his touch, closing her eyes.]

I don't want to have to face off against our own children and friends, but I won't choose either. I could have rejected you, and with good reason, that first day. I've made my choice already and I don't regret it.

[She turns his head so that he cannot look away.]

Whatever happens, you are my husband. I know the kind of man you are, the kind of man you can be, both good and bad. Besides, you must know that it's not just us against the world. We have Luke, Takashi and Obi-Wan at the very least. We've both made friends here as well. They've had the chance to see you at your best.

And when your chance at getting to know our daughter comes, I will be at your side. And until then, I can gather all the information about her for you.

[mislighted]

[She's right. He knows it can't ever be that easy; nothing ever really is. Still, that doesn't stop him from wanting it to be. Is it so wrong to want something uncomplicated for once?

But again, she has a point... If things aren't complicated on their own, Anakin has a way of making sure they get there quickly.]

I'd appreciate it more if it were a different kind of difficult, then.

[He can't even drag up a self-depreciating half-smile at that. When he tries, it comes out as a grimace. He's just too tired and worn down to fake it.]

Luke and Obi-Wan already know the worst of it, more than even I do... You're right. If any of you were going to leave, you would have already gone. I'm glad you've stayed.

But Takashi and the others don't know anything. What is they agree with Leia? I don't know how to convince anyone when I can hardly convince myself.

[He hadn't meant for that to come out, but he's gotten too used to telling her the truth when he can that it slips out without thought. He's startled by the words, and he hurries to leave them behind and focus on her offer.]

And even though she wants nothing to do with me, you'd still do that?

[There's a desperate hope in his face, because he wants to know Leia so badly it hurts. If she ever found out what her mother was telling him, though, he's sure she'd be even angrier at the both of them. That Padmé would still risk it, knowing all of that, is worth more than all the money and powers in the galaxy to him right now.]

[angelofnaboo]

[She gives him a half-hearted smile at his joke, but it's wiped clean at his grimace. Everything about this is terrible and she'd like to make it better but she doesn't really know how.]

We love you. We've seen the good in you, as well as the bad.

And, honestly, Takashi has only seen the good side of you. He knows you as you present yourself to him—a kind, but stern father figure that cares for him.

[His confession hurts. She knows what he can do, but she also knows how much love he has.]

Anakin, do you trust me?

[The answer about Leia will wait. This is more important.]

[mislighted]

[That gets a startled look out of him, and he pauses for a few moments as he tries to process that.]

Father figure? Do you really think he sees me that way?

[Their age difference seems so small, it hadn't occurred to Anakin that he'd be viewed as being father-like. He thinks he likes that idea, but he'll have to dwell on it later. Her question seems to weighted and important to put off.]

I trust you more than I've trusted anyone else in my life, Padmé.

[He hopes she doesn't doubt that. He'd cut his heart out and leave it in her hands if she asked, knowing she'd never harm it. She can be trusted with his very life, in a world where few people can be. She would never betray him, and he knows this down to his bones.]

[angelofnaboo]

[She caresses his face, lips tilted up into a small, pleased expression.]

He hasn't said as much to me, but I think he sees me as a mother figure and you're my husband. You don't realize how you show yourself to him. It's not like your relationship with Ahsoka, where you were both like siblings. You've definitely taken to trying to father him.

[They're kinda cute that way, and she knows that their relationship has made it easier for Anakin to really settle into life in Verens.]

Then I want you to trust me about our daughter. It'll take time for the both of us to get to know her. She... had parents with Bail and Breha. Asking her to forget about them and to accept us right away is the worst thing we can do.

We've gotten off easy with Luke, you know.